i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
