i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
