I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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