I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
