Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
