I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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