he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
