Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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