That reminds me...we need to get swords
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
