he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
