I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
