I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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