Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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