im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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