I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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