youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
