Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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