I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
