you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
