Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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