Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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