U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
