I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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