the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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