i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
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