i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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