My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
