Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My vagina just recognized that song.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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