I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Someone shattered a urinal.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Randomize
