what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
