She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
