You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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