and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
