Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
