Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just cut my nipple shaving
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
