i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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