All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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