He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
