I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
