The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
