You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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