i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
