i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
