We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
