Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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