The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
