I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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