She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
