wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
