The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
